When people ask me what country I’m from, they get a proud, patriotic answer:

-”Portland.”

Americans traveling to other countries often prefer to keep their nationality on the DL, to avoid stereotyping and political debates.

Portland is a useful name because it actually sounds like a country: England, Swaziland, Holland, Greenland, Iceland… Portland.

Here is a typical conversation I’ve had many times while traveling:

-Where are you from?
Portland.
-I’ve never heard of that before.
It gets left out on some maps.
-What sports do they play there?
Basketball, bicycling, gardening, ultimate tree climbing…
-Where is it anyways?
Umm… north from here. Then a bit west.
-I meant what countries are next to it?
It’s… somewhere between the borders of Canada and Mexico.

Most people think it’s some obscure European state. It works.

Heck, let’s issue passports!

Have you ever said you were ‘from Canada’? What if Portland was a country- what would be our money, national anthem, laws, etc?

P.S. Since a few of the last posts have dealt mainly with animals and being hardcore, I’ll be taking things in a lighter direction for next few weeks. Stay tuned!

In celebration of the birth of our Masai community project, we threw a party. A goat-slaughtering party.

Here’s a step-by-step guide so you can try it with your friends:

1. Take mbuzi goat into forest.

2. Strangle goat with bare hands.

3. Skin goat (with panga machete).

4. Poke goat’s jugular vein; casually drink oozing blood.

5. Hack goat apart limb from limb (with panga).

6. Chop firewood (with panga).

7. Roast goat and all its organs over fire.

8. Slice goat into bite-sized chunks (with panga).

9. Close eyes and awaken the inner carnivore.

10. Devour meat chunks until bloated or unconscious. Keep chewing. Meat makes you strong, they say.
Materials needed:
1 pair bare hands
1 goat
1 panga

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Step 1

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Step 3

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Step 4

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Step 5

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Step 7

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Yes, I drank the blood, straight from its neck. It tastes like fish. Of course I had a million questions beforehand: is it diseased, will I get AIDS, will I be eaten alive by intestinal worms? Their sympathetic grins were enough to shut me up. To me it means “Silly mzungu, we know what we’re doing,” which is the usual response when I ask scared-white-guy questions.

It took about 30 minutes to dissect the whole goat, head to toe, with that one panga. Impressive. In 9th grade biology we dissected a rat, and it took me 30 minutes to stop giggling at its oversized testicles.

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A science lab you can eat

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This picture was a joke.

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This picture was not.

Response time! What do you think? A few questions come to mind: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever dissected? For all our worries and hyper-hygiene practices, are Americans really that much healthier?

look closelyThere was something about the way the Masai interacted with the land.

They knew it. Like a friend.

When we went hunting, I caught a revelatory glimpse into this knowing.

Hunting was the first time I had seen them actually run. We walked everywhere together, but there was something different, new, about the way they glided at this speed on their feet. They dart between bushes and leap over rocks, flowing like a breeze over the earth. They make use of each bend and turn, as if each bump in the soil was examined beforehand. They are so apart of the land, and the land is apart of them. They know it. They know and respect the zebras, they are a part of the zebras. And the zebras seem to understand them. The closest I ever got to the zebra while hunting- almost within throwing distance – it was watching me from the corner of its eyes. It understood. It knew what was going on. Zebra we come, we are hunting, we need food, you are our food, and although the zebras run away, they know.

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Then there was our family’s grandfather.
The grandfather had his place in the yard where he would spend all day. He would walk out of bed to the chair and sit. He only got up at dark to go back to bed.

He was also blind. But he saw in other ways, as many blind people can do.

One day, he heard a flock of birds chirping. He asked what bird it was. His grandson described the bird to him- the colors, the feathers.
It’s going to rain, he said knowingly.
That’s a nice thought, said my inner skeptic. Good luck with that one.

It rained.
For the first time in 8 months it rained.
He knew.

And it made me want to have that kind of connection, even a fraction of the knowing that they had.

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We went zebra hunting today- Uncle Moses, Israel, a cousin and I.

(It carries a different social stigma there; it is not done for sport but for necessity. Although I hesitated at first, I remembered that this was a different mindset, and by tagging along it would be a sign of respect to my friends.)

We went right past uncle Moses’s home, by the river where we had the CBO mbuzi slaughter party. There were some zebras grazing right there. Before I had practiced throwing the spear in my mind, rocking the spear back and forth. “Mental preparation is key.” I whispered to myself. “Very important…. Go through the motions in your mind a few times……..”

“Stephen”… yelled uncle Moses “… just throw the dam spear.”
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Hunting.

One of the most primal instincts to mankind.
Pacified and manicured by Western societies, now experienced only through video games or competitive hockey events.
Today I will fully awaken my inner hunting instincts.

Spears in hand, snarling dogs beside us, I march with 3 other men towards the river.
By the river is a field, and in the field there are zebras. Our zebras.

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Hunting

We go hunting.

We are men and we go hunt. To kill.

But no, not to kill. To exchange. You know how it works- don’t you zebra?- and you fear it may be your turn.

For centuries men have come to you for sustenance,  to borrow the energy stored in you, so that we may return it to the land from which you eat.

Still we go as men to hunt and kill. Heavy spears. Iron legs. To  outsmart this creature which is stronger than us.

Zebras in the field out there. You have seen us already. No stealth necessary. Now we both just run. A chase until one of us stops running.

Chasing chasing dam you are fast. Time speeds. Blurs. Streaks by.

White black stripes prancing retreating mocking us come back now please.
Legs whirling over flat endless green.
The metal cold sharp pointing aiming for that distant mocking prancing meat, but the sharp is not home yet, it is not in flesh yet.
Stop moving white black speck come back with your friends.

Wind rushes past my ears, legs mechanically create new speed, veins surge with tension. Someone – probably behind me – is panting very loud. Meat speck is closer now. River is to our left, bending in front of us.

Running running spearing chase. Chasing you to throw a spear KILL. This is me strong hunting, we are HUNTING YOU.

STOP NO no no no let’s be civilized man there was a nice zebra plush doll at that booth in the airport, that will do just fine, easy plush doll, calm down.

Why am I still running.

Chase. Zebra. White black flat green cold metal…

Zebra and I emerge from the bend closer than ever before, almost within throwing distance.  The zebra glaring watching me from the corner of its eye. It knows. It knows what’s going on, why we are here, our game.

Frozen time.

Mind slows, and between each time the ground touches my feet a million thoughts pass. My legs are numb looking down observing them in motion startled how they move.

Arm poised overhead ready to throw, just one bit closer, hello zebra do you mind just one little prick with the metal sharp….

You leap ahead, big bounding escaping strides, the distance between us grows again.

Baadaye, say my other friends. Next time.

You prance away laughing.

This time it was not necessary.

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——-

April 8, 19:00 hrs.
(To be read aloud with a deep gloomy voice, of a traumatized old man)…

Back in the year 2009, I was living with the Masai tribe in a remote p art of Kenya. They told me of a place called Enkinyoei – a place of strange happenings and unexplained mysteries. When the Masai speak about it, the mood grows somber and their eyes fill with worry, as if even too much talk about it will summon a great evil out of its usual underground confinements.

Enkinyoei. There is a cave with a river inside, next to a deep deep pond. Inside the pond lives a very large mysterious snake-like creature. The bottom of the pond cannot be measured. They remember some mzungus (white people) came to measure it with their fancy equipment and tried to measure it – they couldn’t.

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Sometimes in the morning, the creature will be seen jumping into the sky, its head high in the clouds, its tail still in the ground. Many have seen it- grandpa, grandma, and most of the older generation in the area. And in the evening it will return from the sky diving back into the pond. Its skin is shiny, “like an iron sheet,” says the grandpa. Sightings have been reported for around 40 years, but it could have been there longer. There might be more than one- maybe a whole family.

Recently the water has receded, so some say the creature lives in the cave now.

When Grandfather was young, he went with his father and some Masai moraans (warriors) to see inside the cave. They painted the walls of the entrance with their face paint, wrote the name of their generation, and marked it with their handprints. Now Grandfather’s father was a seer- he was the clan’s spirit-man. As the warriors entered the cave, he sensed there was a great water coming from inside. So he said to them “Come, let us go up the banks of the basin to be safe.” But the men would not listen to him. So he took his son (Grandfather) and went back up the cliffs of the pond basin. As soon as they had reached the higher ground, the river surged and water filled the cave, sweeping away all the men and killing them.

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They say one man has lived in the cave for at least 100 years- Grandfather saw him, his father saw him, and his father’s father saw him. The man is so tall you think he is a tree, and is covered in much hair and has very long teeth. He does not kill humans but he does scare them.

At night, the local residents can still hear the voices of those dead warriors screaming and shouting from inside the cave. Although the water drowned their bodies, they aren’t fully dead- their spirits still dwell inside the cave. (We visited James’s family, who lives close by, and hears the voice quite regularly at night).

Another group of Masai moraans went in, armed with spears and everything, but when they were halfway through the cave tunnel they were paralyzed by a strong spirit of fear, and did not dare take another step. They didn’t ‘see’ anything dangerous but knew they should turn back. What they did see was a light – rays from the sun? – at the other end of the tunnel. Where does it go? Where is it coming form? No one knows.

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An mzungu also went in with cave-exploring spelunking equipment. “He had a flashlight on his head”, grandpa said. Again, about halfway through the tunnel he was gripped by the sense of fear- something was coming- and he quickly turned back.

Nowadays, the cave is home to a pack of hyenas and ‘other creatures’. The locals call it a ‘new breed of hyenas: they are bigger, meaner and more daring- they will even attack humans.’

One hyena entered a home near Birika and attacked a 9-year old boy, biting his head. The boy’s father happened to be weaponless at the time, but tried fending it off with his hands. Both are in the hospital now.

I went with David to see one of these dead hyenas a few days ago. It had stolen one of their neighbors cows, so the next day the man put poison on the cow’s carcass. When the hyenas came back to continue their feats, the poison killed it almost instantly. We found its body about 100 meters away from where the dead cow had been.

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The hyena was big, ugly, and bloated. It eyes looked like it had died surprised, in a state of shock. It had bled a bit on the ground, from the neck or mouth. Now it was the one being eaten, by flies. I wonder if its friends had found it, came to visit. They were probably hungry for revenge.

Of course hyenas aren’t the only monsters creatures living in the cave. To this day, there are none who can explain what unknown terror lurks in the dark depths of that pit, that wound in the earth, that gateway to hell. If any brave soul has made it far enough to see, they didn’t come back out again.

This is not only some exaggerated legend or local fairy tale that exists only in the minds of the Masai elders. This is real. I was there. I saw it. Listen carefully so you don’t make the same mistakes less fortunate souls have made – souls who didn’t have a chance to be warned.

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Now simply hearing these stories should have been enough to satisfy me- and warn me. But you may find that, in the quest to feed your insatiable appetite for adventure, it ends when you yourself are the one being eaten.

There were two other Masai youth – friends of mine- who were also curious to see the innards of this mystery. So we set off from their home into the vast bush to find this place, not knowing what we would encounter, carrying nothing but our walking sticks. We walked for 8 km before finding it, so by the time we arrived we were already tired and weak…..

April 9, 2:00am. This story needs to be finished later. I can’t right now- it’s messing with my head. Every time I go outside the dogs start barking at something, but it’s not me. Am I alone out there? If I listen closely to the night air I can hear voices… “YOU, human, who do you think you are to disturb us?” (Ok that’s a joke it’s not real). Not real. Not real notreal ntoe aelra noera ot rela hlpppppppppppp
Later, later, must sleep, must hide now.

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Should have been looking behind us...

We should have been looking behind us….

“You’ll also need to shave your head.”
- “Why?”
“It’s easier to pick out the scalp worms that way.”

That was the finishing touches of travel advice that I got before going to Africa. Courtesy of some guy at my job who read the newspaper too much.

Before embarking on the African journey, my imagination of “Africa” placed me hiding behind a grass hut, sharing a banana with my pet monkey, and peering out to see a rebel army roar past in bullet-riddled jeeps. They are chasing a crew from the Discovery Channel, who are in turn chasing a herd of wildebeest.

Honestly, after the frightening images of African war on TV, and YouTube videos of man-eating lions, and all the missionary horror stories they told at church, ‘Africa’ scared me out of my pants. I thought, there’s no point in paying for a return plane ticket back to America, when I’ll probably get burnt alive anyways and you could just ship back my ashes in a nice little FedEx package for $13.95.

Come to find out, the blurbs we see about Africa are only a small fraction of what it really looks like. Our local news headlines also contain stories about violence and death. But how often do those events make it to your doorstep?

Honestly, most of the places I saw were a lot less frightening than expected. Sometimes it felt like the most constant source of danger came from the crazy matatu taxi drivers, who get high on miraa while racing each other down the road.
Africa has wonderful people. Fascinating culture. Beautiful land. I could go back and live for a few years without a second thought.

Looking back, I guess I imagined “Africa” as all being the same country: The Sahara desert ‘in Africa’. There is war ‘in Africa’. There are jungles and bananas and cute typical grass huts ‘in Africa’. (And yes, all those things do exist in specific regions of Africa. I’ll admit that where I was in South Africa, Zimbabwe and Kenya have been slightly more developed than some other countries).

Westernization is seeping into the far corners of the world. Even amongst the Masai of Kenya, many people spoke English, wore t-shirts and jeans, and owned cell phones. (Most don’t have electricity to charge the phone with, but they don’t need to; they walk to town and plug it in at a shop.)

The bottom line? Africa, and perhaps most other places we’re taught to be afraid of, have much more to offer than is assumed from general public knowledge. Sure, it’s not tame, but it’s not inaccessible either.

Danger exists. Get over it. Go anyways. Go to a place that scares you – for me it was Africa, for you it might be different.

Don’t get me wrong here: Africa is wild. Very uniquely wild. But it’s a wildness that I came to love. I’m not denying the bad but pointing out how much good is often overlooked. Africa has a raw, intense, mysterious beauty that embeds itself into those who let it. That’s part of what this blog will be about: making the seemingly foreign become reachable. Stepping out of self-imposed boundaries.

Mother Africa will take you under her wing – if you can get past her claws.

Heck, if you’re with the right people, you’ll probably enjoy yourself tremendously. The days of the ‘stereotypical savage tribal people’ are fading. If you want to venture into some ‘uncharted final frontier’, be an astronaut.

Shepherding

5 donkey fuel up next to gas station

The fuel-up station- for trucks and donkeys

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